linklogbook

Every year i write a loooong private post detailing my thoughts, lessons and major reflections/realisations that I’ve learnt throughout the year. 2023 is no exception, with it being the year of a completely new phase of my life. So let’s break it down, to important lessons, core memories and things i would like to work on for the next year.

From Singapore to Melbourne, teenage dreams do come true

Since i was 13/14, i decided i wanted to move out and live away from Singapore. It’s not that i dislike living in Singapore, it is truly one of the best places in the world (as stated by numerous articles), but i just did not feel like it was my destiny to stay. I longed to leave home since young and now my opportunity was finally here. Thankfully, COVID hit while when i was conscripted so when i finished in 2022, i seized the first opportunity to study abroad in Australia.

My move to Australia was not taken too kindly by others though. At the time, i had already been accepted by a good local university i had applied as a backup (due to COVID and other factors) and many called my decision as “insane even by your standards”. The one thing that struck me was that everyone felt that i was taking a big leap with too many uncertainties. But this had been my goal for a long time. I was undeterred by concerns and criticisms because i felt that if i had stayed with a local university education, i would never be able to pursue living abroad (and i don’t mean it as a vacation!)

when your dreams come true: the ugly truth

Of course, i knew that my goal would come with many challenges and unexpected situations which i have never dealt with. In my opinion, studying and doing well in university is the easy part. What is truly difficult is managing all of the mundane details of life with everything else. By mundane i mean activities like cooking, cleaning, laundry, socialising, self-care, working out and resting. On it’s own, its actually extremely manageable. But combined? every single activity adds up and suddenly I’m a tightrope walker on a circus called Life. One minor inconvenience can set you back so easily (Eg. i ran out of body soap one time and just used shampoo for a couple of days 💀).

Not to mention, I have basically uprooted your entire world, family, friends, relationships and culture,and packed it into a couple of suitcases. If there’s one thing i neglected this year, it would be tending to my relationships. I get so swept up by the current affairs of life that i feel like i failed to connect with the people who have stood by me for so many years. Calls to friends start from once a week, to once a month to stray calls and messages. I think it shrank my circle (in a good way) but also i will definitely try to reach out more to the people i love.

But i have never felt more … extricated in my life. My life in Melbourne is by no means perfect. There are days i lay in bed all day, too exhausted to even step out. But for every bad moment i experience, 50 positive ones that tell me otherwise. It’s not specifically living in Melbourne either. This year i had the opportunity to travel and stay in Sydney and Tasmania and both were AMAZINGG (check out my instagram for pictures!)

My final thoughts on living abroad is that change is not as scary or difficult as you think it is. Instead of looking at it as a big mountain to overcome, try taking it a day at a time. 13 YO me started dreaming and working towards this plan and having it come to fruition after 10 years is just pure contentment.

Semester 1: everything, everywhere all at once

Let’s start with a list of things that happened that semester (to the best of my memory)

1. Got kicked out of clubs (3 times)
2. Nearly froze to death after jumping into Great Ocean Road waters
3. Got slapped in the face (2 times, iykyk)
4. Went to too many festivals, concerts and events
5. Queued at the crack of dawn in the cold for the Mugler X H&M collection
6. Started a fashion lookbook
7. Had a Mercury in Retrograde party reading tarot
8. Got a job 2 hours away from home
9. Studied and did not get screwed by finance (this one is in case my mom is reading)

I’m not even scratching the surface of all the other things that happened throughout that semester. It all started when i became friends with a whole bunch of people who regularly hang out together. I think it was so special because even though everyone came from different backgrounds, cultures, values and beliefs, we all came together to create a wholesome community. It was so much fun. According to my mid-year reflection, the main thing i learnt was to enjoy the moment but also to ensure that my life was balanced because i am someone who needs quality “me” time. 

Semester 2: 50% grind 50% rest

Now the first semester was so fun and chaotic that i could feel that i needed to rest up if i was going to survive the year. So i took the rest part seriously. For the most part, i would stop studying after dinner and just do things that i wanted to do. This included reading, writing, watching shows and anything else i could do to spend time with myself. Initially, i was worried i would feel isolated but i felt more at peace with myself.

But coming to peace with yourself comes with examining the deeper issues within. In September, I faced a major existential crisis in regard to my career path and life choices (you can read about it here). Looking back, that crisis made me take steps towards securing a promising future for myself so I’m glad i went through it. Fast forward to now, I have secured an internship, took a digital marketing course and plan to do more learning in my own time to remain competitive in my field.

I also participated in a case competition for Aesop this semester. While i did not win, i learnt so much through the process and I’m glad i did with my friends. It was quite stressful as it was our first time doing such a competition together, but with all things considered, I’m pretty proud of the concept generated and all the effort we put in.

Semester 1 Vs Semester 2

I would like to reflect upon the vast differences between the first and second semester. If i were to describe it, the former was like a navigating through turbulent whirlwind and the latter was drifting along the vast expense of the ocean. Both were very nearly polar opposites but taught me how to navigate these circumstances. However if there was one thing both had in common, it was surrounding myself with love and friendship. Because when tragedy struck, i would not have survived without support from others around me.

2023: year of grieving

This year was especially tough for me as i lost my beloved grandmother who raised me for most of my childhood. I remember the day i found out the day she passed. I was coming back home from a BIG grocery stock up and i felt weird, as if i forgot something on my list. But as i was stocking up my tiny fridge tub (thanks Unilodge LH) i got a call from my mom which was rather unusual as we had just talked the day before. When she broke the news i felt devastated. I immediately packed my bags, and took the earliest possible flight back home.

While most people would be excited to go back home, I did not intend on coming home so quickly due to some personal issues so i was dreading the whole experience. I decided to stay for a longer time as the timing aligned with my school’s mid semester break. I think what was crazy was that i was crying so much throughout the funeral, and then suddenly i just stopped after. I didn’t think too much of it at the time but i assumed that the grief had already vanquished from my heart as i had accepted that she was dying. My stay in Singapore was short and sweet, so i made the most of my time by meeting friends, family and catching up on school before heading back to Melbourne.

Let’s normalise crying while grocery shopping please!

yeah shocker. i don’t consider myself someone who cries easily, but once i landed in Melbourne, a simple gust of wind could make me break down into tears. I was bawling at classes, while gymming and heck, even just buying lemons at the grocery store. Somehow, everything i did reminded me of my grandmother taking care of me (BRB i just teared up thinking about it). It wasn’t until my friend Maggie suggested i seek a counsellor that i started actively trying to soothe my grief and better manage the process.

That was when i started feeling better and began feeling more like myself. I think the biggest takeaway i learnt was to not shame yourself for grieving. I beat myself up alot during this period for not being fully functional, but losing a significant person who raised me can and will destabilise you. It’s okay to not feel and do your 100% because you can’t muster that up. In fact, this juncture of time is when someone is more vulnerable and thus more prone to not taking better care of themselves. Yeah, i cried picking up avocados and apples, but i didn’t want to restrict these overwhelming feelings. I know it’s distressing to see someone sobbing while you pick out dinner ingredients, but it’s my way of telling myself how much i love and miss my grandmother So let’s normalise crying at the grocery shopping please!

You thought it was over? Life gives me a one-two punch!

After spending an entire semester going through the entire cycle of grief, i was finally strong enough to contend with my life in the next semester. While that semester itself was smooth sailing, disaster struck at the end of October with the sudden news of my uncle’s passing. This time, i could not afford to go back to Singapore as exams were around the corner. My uncle stayed with us and took care of my brothers and i so we were quite close to him. So in one fell swoop, i felt the entire loss of my childhood. It was as if my past had evaporated in front of my eyes. But fortunately, the past encounter with grief taught me much on how to mourn a loved one well (more crying in public!).

I think as i grow older, i realise that death will come knocking more often than you think she will. It’s how we perceive death that determines how we grieve. Some see death as a thief, others a herald, or even justice itself. The most important lesson is that grief is not a linear process. There will be days when everything feels heavy and you might sink into the earth and let it swallow you. Or you could have days where you feel so light, the breeze lifts you up because you did something to honour your loved ones. Either way, take it one step at a time.

Final Thoughts

I usually wrap it up with a few important (but generic) lessons so here goes:

1. Dream big, but work (way) harder
2. Success is who you are, not what you did.
3. You are responsible for your own happiness. Don’t expect others to give it to you.
4. It is possible to commit no mistakes and still lose. That is not a weakness; that is life. (by Jean-Luc Picar)

And also my goals for 2024 moving forward. Right now, my life is pretty much in the air. I have great things going for me, but there are many uncertainties that i can’t predict. So my goals are simple. Firstly i hope that my health continues to remain strong because i could have all the money and success in the world but i need the health to enjoy it. Secondly, I hope i continue to do well in my studies. I have narrowly missed the goals set for myself academically but hopefully i can make up for it the following year. Next, i want to continue on my path of continuously learning and working towards a brighter future for myself. Finally, I’m charging up the rose quartz and loving myself and hoping for more boundless love next year.

That’s all i got for this reflection! If you read all the way to the end, i just want to say thank you, i appreciate your time! If you liked what you read, do let me know what lessons you learnt in 2023. See you all soon and have a very happy new year!